Well, friends, I don't have those pictures uploaded and I don't have anything witty to say. It's really rough around here right now. Kyan spent Friday night with Barbara in hopes that some time away would chill him out. He was home from Barbara's less than 20 minutes yesterday when Brandon sent me the following text message (I was at work): "Been home 20 minutes- 4 biting attempts, 8 hitting attempts, 6 kicking attempts, 3 times throwing things".
*Sigh* what do you do with that?? I believe that there is something physiologically wrong with him. However, I fear that he is just bad. I pray that is not the case. We are not soft on him, but seriously nothing works. Timeouts, spankings, time in his room, little picture signs that tell him not to hit, holding his arms, popping his mouth, holding him tight with deep pressure, extra supplements to calm him, giving him extra positive attention, ignoring bad behavior, redirecting, removing certain foods from his diet to reduce aggression, taking toys away, yelling, teaching 'gentle touch', affirming positive hugs, etc., cheering for him when he is not screaming, hitting kicking, saying "Kyan, I like the way you are doing XYZ" ... when he does something good, using a weighted blanket for deep pressure, ....none of it even makes a dent.
If for some reason you doubt that we are disciplinarians, check out our other 2 kids. They have their moments, but generally they behave well, even in public. Not Kyan. As I sat in Church today, I have never felt more like a failure. He can be so sweet on occasion--when he is by himself like an only child--but most of the time, Kyan is incredibly unpleasant to be around. This is what we have created. I feel like a failure because I genuinely know that I have done everything possible to keep him from turning into a sociopath, and none of it...NONE OF IT... is helping even a little.
If I could wave a white flag, I would. Our pastor talked about peace today. He told a story of a little boy hiding under his bed, and asked us if we don't all have fears of our own that make us want to crawl under the bed too. I have to say, if I could get away with it, that is EXACTLY what I feel like doing. Hiding away from the world and just shutting it out. I just can't believe I have met a child whose behavior I can not shape, or change. I can't believe my child, MY CHILD acts this way, all of the time. Naive? Maybe, but what will his/our future look like? We took Kynsie and Braylen to church today and when I picked them up the regular nursery worker said "They are just so sweet". I have NEVER heard anything like that from her or anyone else at church regarding our children until today, when Kyan was gone. :(
Part of the reason I am so exasperated is because this isn't just a phase. We didn't just have a bad day with a promise or even possibility that tomorrow will be better. No, this is cumulative. This is 2+ years of day-in, day-out with Kyan with VERY few good days. This is ruined play dates, outings and adventures that should have been fun but were turned upside down by a miserable child. This is being kicked and hit because I won't let my child sit in feces all day. This is the smallest request being met with a screaming "NO!!" and throwing something or hitting me...almost every day, for over 2 years. There have been a few brief periods where he chilled out and we have NO CLUE what was going right that isn't now.
So on top of fear, worry, frustration, exhaustion, and yes, a little embarrassment, I have monumental guilt because I resent all of this so much. I don't like to be around my own child. Yes. I just typed that. And I HATE that I feel that way, but it is true. I LOVE him down to my bones, but he sucks the life out of me. I am noit patient anymore. I am just done. DONE. DONE. DONE. But I can't be. That's not a choice (as I say to Kyan when he is screaming for this or that). So what do I do??? Anyone? Beuller?? Beuller?
I want Kyan to be here. I want him to be home and with us and for the house to be peaceful, but it just doesn't happen that way. The whole time he was gone, I missed him...felt like something was missing, but there was peace in our home. Kynsie and Braylen played nicely and there wasn't as much as a cross word between them. No hitting. No kicking. No screaming or biting. Just peace.
So, I want to crawl under my bed and hide from all of this because there simply isn't an easy, and perhaps not even a correct answer. God knows I am looking for it. I am not equipped to do this, that is painfully clear. Maybe God is trying to teach me humility. Today I felt about as humble as I could sitting in church. Lesson learned.
I have always believed that at some point it WILL get better, easier even. I am now suspicious that it might NOT get better. That friends, is a place of hopelessness. I don't want to live like this forever. I am TRYING everything I know to do to help our son, and all of it seems in vain. Maybe this is just as good as it gets for us. GOD---if you are still listening, please don't let that be so.
To everyone else, if you got this far through my drivel. We'd appreciate your prayers. Don't know what to ask you to pray for. I am out of answers. We would appreciate the prayers though. We ALL need some relief.