Today was not ourday to teach Sunday school, and the sermon was certianly timely for me. "Strength in the Hard Places". I did well through the entire sermon, right up thru the video of the mom whose teenage son died. that was bad. The "falling apart" song, almost equally bad, but I was ok. Then Steven kept talking about hard situations with kids, and how you pour yourself into them, and nothing is pouring itself into you, and you just want a break, and I LOST IT. Crying. No. SOBBING. Seriously sobbing in church. That was comfortable. I suppose I needed to let that go, but I was a mess.
I worry about Kyan. My oldest half Brother Rusty died several years ago. Rusty was the kind of guy who left a scar. He just did. I remember watching him take a swing at my dad, getting my brother in trouble with alcohol, arguments, fights, drugs. He was just really angry. When we were at his funeral one of his aunts from his mother's side said something that has stuck with me. "Rusty was just angry from the day he was born. He was born angry & stayed mad at the world." Now, I don't mean to speak ill of the dead, but her words were true. He was forever picking a fight and finding trouble. CONSTANTLY. I have few (maybe 1) good memories. So, now I worry about Kyan. I am a believer in pre-disposition. I believe in nurture, but I have seen too much not to believe in nature as well. I worry that Kyan's behavior, if not handled now will continue down the dark road his now deceased uncle walked down. I cannot bear to see that happen to my child. I will admit I have watched too many episodes of NCIS, Criminal Minds and the like, but I worry about Kyan becoming a sociopath. I do. Sincerely, I do worry about that...a lot. Some way, some how we have got to get a handle on his rage. I continue to be in touch with his doctor. I am not for prescription meds for kids, but we have exhausted all other options and I have avoided it for 4 years now. I hope & pray all of us can get some relief soon. I call the doctor tomorrow to report on the weekend.