Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Reasons I Avoid Blogging

I avoid this blog, largely b/c I fear it will suck me in. The thing I lack most since going back to a "real" job is time. I have very little time for anything. I do hate that, but that's another day's topic. Almost every day I think of things that I feel like blogging about, but I avoid it b/c I don't have the time or energy to give a big long post. So today I am trying to turn over a new leaf and just condense it, but still put it out here so its off my chest and out of my brain. Otherwise these thoughts fight constantly for my attention. Laps and laps around my brain. EEK! So, my big thing lately is Kyan. Anyone shocked? Doubtful. He is newly very remorseful for his bad behavior. On one hand it's good, if it prevents said undesirable behavior. On the other hand, he tends to take it to extremes and feel sorry for things that are not worth being sorry over. Silly things as small as spilled milk--literally. Poor guy apologizes all over himself. My fear is that I have spent so much energy trying to correct the horrible behavior that somehow he has become hyper-conscious of it after-the-fact. We praise him like crazy, but I wonder how much of that has sunk into his little psyche and how much of my frustration has penetrated as well. I will be honest 5.5 yrs, 4.5 of that years of tantrums has worn me down greatly. My patience has eroded and some days there simply isn't any left. I am hung over from the fight. I am just so over it. I don't have a lot left and I lose patience quickly. As he threw himself in the floor today over a toy (something he hasn't done in a while) all I could think is "Seriously? Are we really still here? almost 5 freaking years later, and we are still here?" How can a child make so much progress and then in a moment be reduced to square one. It is defeating, people. Straight out defeating. Discouraging with a capital "D". He's doing so well, and since I haven't posted all of those little snippets along the way, the GOOD and the bad, this will seem overly dramatic. I am not about to break and I'm not crying. I'm just tired of being frustrated. Tired of feeling like I may explode into a screaming fit of my own. Having Kyan is like wagging a bomb around. It will blow. It's just a matter of when, not if. Sometimes you diffuse it, crisis-averted. Other times, BOOM! I feel like the walking wounded. Just keep losing parts of my sanity (and my cool) every time he blows and I don't ever get put back together quite the way I was before. It is unsettling. I am praying that I become a better mother to him. I am praying that I don't mirror his irrational explosions with one of my own. I remind myself that I am an adult, and that I should be able to keep from losing it with him. I remind myself that perhaps the apple hasn't fallen too far from the proverbial tree, and maybe my own gene pool is to blame for all of this misery. I try. I do. Wash. Rinse. Repeat. But this feels more like a treadmill than a marathon and I want OFF. I don't want to check out of motherhood, but I do want to check out of the misery that comes with all of this volatility. God help me do it better tomorrow.


Christie Huggins said...

I haven't a clue what to say because I haven't a clue what it is like to be in your shoes...but, I will say that I ache for you. I know you work SO HARD to hopefully grow them out of the autism...and I have heard to report of the amazing, I know, I know, I know you are great mom. None of us are perfect...we all screw up from time to time....I am sure you know that and keep that in mind....wash, rinse, repeat...I get it. lol. Mine are just being 3-year olds and I lose my patience sometimes. I don't have anything to say that you don't already know or feel...but, just know I am listening...I feel for you...and I have placed you and the kiddos on my praying cards. I have a TERRIBLE memory, so I have to put my requests on cards to keep up. Hugs, my dear! Lots and lots of hugs!!!!

Talley Images said...

big hugs

Mindy said...

You got it right... "God help me do it better tomorrow." I look up to you & respect you so much (you know that). You are such a good mother. You sacrifice so much for all three of those beautiful kiddos & you & Brandon work so hard to be the best parents to them. They are lucky to have you as their mother. I know it's hard sometimes to face another day of having your patience tested & feeling like you're not making progress. I love you, girl!