Thursday, March 10, 2011

Perspective

There are many ways to get a grip. Many things that can help you get a real, appropriate perspective on things. Sometimes its a process. Others it hits you between the eyes like a 2 X 4. I had the latter experience today. I posted today and encouraged you to read a blog post from a guy (his wife) that I knew growing up. Not a dear friend, but a dear sweet family. So what perspective, you ask?

Well, to be FULLY honest, I have been dealing with a load of bitterness over the last 5 years. It wasn't instant but it has grown, and seethed. Just bubbling beneath the surface ready to explode. And explode I have, repeatedly. My life long I have never had a long fuse, but honestly never in my life have I been as chronically angry as I have over the last 2 yrs. Autism tried to steal every ounce of joy in me, and honestly it has won more than not. This is not what I signed up for. Triplets is hard enough. Autism was more than I can manage. It has taken a major toll on us all. Through out this, I have been determined to fight. I am a never-say-die scrapper. Have been my whole life. I fight. It's what I do. It's my nature. So when I heard Autism, my instinct was to fight. And we did, and have and do. We have done everything humanly possible to help them. Recovery. It's been my mantra. "Losing the diagnosis", my goal. Complete healing. That's what I wanted and I ordered it like a sandwich on the menu. It's what I wanted, I was willing to do my part of the work for it, so bring on that healing. And we have experienced no shortage of healing. My babies have exceeded everyone's expectations. Kynsie is reading on an almost 3rd grade level (yeah, she's in pre-school). Her IQ is up 35 points from the last testing. She tests crazy high in language. She is a favorite at school and is just a rock star. So I went into her "re-evaluation" meeting ready for that "sandwich". I wanted to hear that she no longer tests on the Autism spectrum. She is "typical", now. That's what I ordered. Problem is, it's not reality.

Reality is, she has Asperger's. Light years away from traditional Autism, but still not "normal" either. I didn't like the answer, but you know truth when you hear it. And for the first time, I have come to a place where I realize acceptance is required. I have long felt that accepting the reality of the kids' delays would mean quitting on them, and as I said, I don't quit. It's not in my nature. In fact, it's as unnatural as it comes for me. Over the last week, I have come to realize that this thorn may be in our sides forever. Everyone has a cross to bear and maybe this is it. I have kicked, screamed, fought, cried, seethed, raged...you name it, but I have not ever accepted it. I wasn't in denial, just didn't want to let my babies down by giving in. Some how I am seeing, just since the meeting Tuesday, that I am going to have to accept this reality for what it is, part of our life period. It's not going away. They are improving, dramatically, and will go on to lead VERY "normal" lives. College, marriage, jobs...even regular kindergarten is in the plans, but there will be challenges and the sooner I face that, look it in the face and really see it, the better. Honestly I could not be more exhausted from fighting. I don't know how to explain it entirely. I'm not bailing on an of the treatments we are doing, and I am not surrendering hope. I'm just done having my tantrum. I'm done trying to get my way. I'm to worn out to keep it up.

I've spent so much precious time angry. Angry over all we've lost, all we've suffered, all they have missed, will miss, might miss. Bitterness will eat you alive. I have recognized this bitterness for months now, but have felt little ability to do anything to remedy it. I still don't have an answer for that. But today, I read the blog I posted earlier and couldn't breathe. I sobbed. Tears are burning my eyes now just thinking about the weight of the burden they bear. My heart can only process it in snippets. The pain is too great. I cannot imagine. In absorbing all that is going on with this sweet family, I have realized just how thankful I need to be for Autism/Asperger's. I became acutely aware that my "light and momentary troubles of this world" are truly light and momentary. God has not asked me to bear that cross. I have healthy babies to hug and love, and I am bitter because things just haven't gone the way I wanted them to. Perspective. I got a big, FAT dose of it this week, and I needed it. I have been praying about the anger and bitterness for months now. I am hoping today was a turning point for my spirit. God knows I needed it.

Pray for the Krull family. Pray for Lucy

No comments: