Thursday, October 01, 2009

The Green Eyed Monster & Self-reflection

Envy.... Jealousy...

I think I suffer from this occasionally. Sure, I covet a large house occasionally. One with 4 bedrooms, so Kyan can stim to his delight without disrupting Braylen. I envied the perfect looking 20-something girl that blew right past me on the running trail last week...yes, you...the one who was solid muscle perfection and too young to appreciate it.

But tonight, I envied something else. Balance. Peace. A sense of having it all under control. Maybe even a sense of joy. I am not so sure I have ever been good at keeping things balanced. I've been called unbalanced and even unstable before in a way that was clearly an attack, and mean-spirited, but maybe it's the truth. Tonight as I ate dinner with good friends and we talked about life I began to wonder if maybe I just don't handle stress well. Maybe I am more fragile than everyone else--weaker somehow when it comes to struggles or troubles. This was alarming to me, because I have never viewed myself that way, but maybe my friends around the table would do better in my shoes. Maybe you would. Maybe and other person on earth would feel okay in these circumstances--would be clear-headed and calm.

I've never really thought of myself as fragile, as so far I appear to be in one piece. But maybe other people in my shoes could roll with the punches and 'deal' a little better. Me? I roll for a little while and then it all comes down around me. I come unglued. unhinged. unhappy. Un-okay. you get the picture. The last 2 days I have felt like I am on the verge of tears most of the time. I went to the gym and ran HARD on the treadmill last night, just trying to pound it all out as if running my butt off could somehow purge the demons of fear, doubt and worry. I felt better this morning, but by the end of the day that weight had returned to my soul. Maybe it's this dang anxiety. I have Xanex and try not to take it very often because I know it's addictive and God, I don't need anything like that to deal with. But honestly, even if I take a half one, it bandaids the moment but fixes nothing. So I usually don't bother. Why risk it?

So tonight sitting at dinner, I began to wonder if perhaps I lack the mental, physical, whatever fortitude to just hang in there. I have thus far considered myself to be a strong person, but I truly am beginning to wonder if I am a wuss in strong-mommy clothing and maybe everyone or anyone else could handle this better. SHEESH. Maybe this really isn't so hard and I am just easily overwhelmed??? Hmmmm....something to think about. If that is the case, what do I do now? How does one gain mental, emotional toughness and balance? I pray about this. I exercise, which helps me. I take anti-anxiety meds, which believe it or not, really help. I try. I REALLY try to keep perspective and to get it right, but lately I just feel spent. And as I think about it, this happens periodically. Maybe I am only strong in spurts. Maybe it is the full moon. Barometric pressure? Laziness? Adult-ADD? I DON"T KNOW. I say that a lot these days, don't I?

I guess the cause is unimportant. I don't have cancer--that I know of. I have a safe home to sleep in. Clothes on my kids' backs. Food to eat. A loving family. Maybe I don't even know what a true crisis is. Nevertheless, our circumstances are swallowing me alive. In spite of what scripture says, I am afraid. I do not feel like more than a conqueror and I am having a hard time taking heart. I do know the Lord is with me, and maybe that should be all I need to know...BUT, here I am.

My friend recommended that I go to the church and get anointed with oil and prayed over. She argues that all of the craziness of the last 6 months is spiritual warfare. Maybe she is on to something. My issue is that A. I'm not sure my church does the anointing with oil/prayer thing--Methodists? Anyone? B. I don't know either of my pastors that well. Do I really want to fall to pieces in front of people who don't really know me? What if I can't get my junk together to get up off the floor? C. What would I say to them anyway?

Hey. No I don't have cancer, or any illness, or really anything tangible to tell you. You see, basically I'm just a trainwreck. I am spent emotionally, physically and mentally. Can you hook me up? That word 'unstable' comes back to mind. I so don't want to be that girl, but maybe I just am.

8 comments:

NewYorkerAtHeart said...

Wow, what a post! I happened to see your blog and thought I'd check it out. It's exactly what I needed tonight. Sunny, I think we all feel this way many times. I see you and think you are very put together. I know that it's what I see and not how you feel, but it's o.k. to not feel like we have it all together all the time.
I have to remind myself that if I did I might not turn to God in prayer and supplication. I don't know about annointing oil. The church we use to go to did all that. It never did anything for me, but I guess you have to believe it will help. It seemed to help others, but I think it was mostly the faith they had in being helped that did it.
I do know that this is only one season in our lives and as long as some days may seem, the season will be over before we know it.
I have friends who are on all sorts of anti-anxiety/depression medicine and I, like you just can't seem to do something like that. I think in my case it's a pride thing as well as fear of taking meds.
Thank you for sharing from your heart. I hope and pray that you will not be too hard on yourself and that when you look at your babies, you will feel peace & remember that they are all that matters.
And as far as they and your hubby are concerned you rock as a Mommy and wife.
Take care!

Elaine said...

Sunny,
You are the strongest person I know. When I tell people that I have a friend who has two autistic children and all the things you have been through and all of their accomplishments, they are truly amazed. I know you are tired and tired of being tired. That's normal. I am in awe of you and NOBODY could handle this any better. I don't know of anybody who could handle it nearly as well. It's overwhelming to me to think about the frustration, sadness and anger that you and Brandon must face every day. So just believe in yourself and believe me when I say that you are one AWESOME young woman. I love you. Elaine

Sunny said...

thanks ladies!! I appreciate the vote of confidence. I woke up in better shape today. :) Hopefully that will last.

The Zanoni Family said...

Sunny, so many days I feel this way and I only have one child and he isnt autistic. You are normal and VERY VERY SUPER STRONG!!!! I have had some crosses to bear in my life and so I keep this saying close to me always "Courage doesn't always roar. Courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow!"

Maybe it is spiritual warfare, my Grandmother was a huge believer in that...she would talk openly to the devil saying he was a coward in Jesus Name...it always seemed to work and I must admit sometimes I say it just like she used to "Devil Get behind me in Jesus Name." It always makes me feel more powerful, Lots of love, Christie

lesliemarie said...

This verse has pretty much gotten me through the last few months.

~Isaiah 43:1-2
1b "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze."

Hang in there girl! You are strong. Keep it up! :)

Kim and Troy said...

As I read this, I hope that I, as one of the other women at the table, didn't make you feel like you weren't handling things well. I think that you are doing an amazing job. None of us are in the same shoes as you. Yes, we have multiples also, but not with the same issues. I can't how overwhelming, frustrating and exhausting it must be. I don't say that to make it worse, but to tell you that you ARE doing a great job. The rest of us DON'T have it all together. And it's NOT apples to apples. We love you and want the best for you and your family. Go get that oil, girl!

Sunny said...

Kim-you guys were great. What got my wheels turning was that I was sitting there total Debby Downer and you just lost your mom. Kate's mom is fighting cancer for the second time. Melody buried 3 babies. I know that was a couple of years ago, but they would be scraping me off the pavement if that was me. And it hit me, that maybe I just need to buck up. Truly self-reflection, nothing more. Thanks for being so supportive. Thank your sister for me too. Karen, right? Hi Karen!

Sunny :)

Kate said...

Sunny- I "know" how you are feeling because I felt the same way when I was trying to become pregnant for 4 years. I felt as if I could crumble at any minute and often times I did. I can tell that you are in that same place and I know/understand how desperate it feels and I "get it". Your situation is not the same, but the way it is making you feel is the same way I felt. I was trying to let you know I understood where you were at. You are totally a momma warrior and you will do whatever it takes to help your kids...you are just tired and feeling defeated right now-that's all. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for...seriously! Love-

Kate