Thursday, October 08, 2009

Cry If I Want To...or Even if I Don't

I started crying today and usually that is not a good thing for me. I don't cry often, so if the tears start coming it freaks me out because I am afraid they won't stop. I don't do weepy very well. I've got no issues with other people crying. It just makes me incredibly uncomfortable to come apart at the seams. That control freak coming out, I suppose. I like to feel like I have some semblance of control, but lately it has become increasingly obvious that I don't. Just the same, I try. As I have said several times here in the last 6-8 months, I just feel like I am at that breaking point. How long can a person stand on the edge of a breakdown without falling (or jumping) off? I don't know, but I feel like I am really flirting with the edge at the moment.

I tell you that not for sympathy or to concern anyone. I'm not going to do anything harmful to me or anyone else. I'm not going to run away from home, though the thought has occurred to me. I simply MUST get some relief somehow. I am not managing life well at all. I am constantly stressed. My stomach hurts. I am SO overwhelmed I feel like my insides are just boiling. I am angry and frustrated and...tired.

I am doing all that I know to do, and just not getting anywhere. So as I was praying today (and crying) in the shower it occurred to me that maybe blogging about this would help. First I should confess that I have felt guilty of late because my blog posts have been self-centered, and not too joyous. I feel pressured as a Christian to say 'everything is OK' and act like life is just peaches, or that while it is hard, I am finding great joy. I feel guilty, but I am not in the place--not yet anyway. If you are a Christian, and that bothers you, I apologize, but I can't lie about it. If you are not a Christian and my weakness makes you not want anything to do with Christ, well, I am more sorry about that. But I can not pretend I am OK when I am drowning. And I am drowning. I have that sensation of swimming, and swimming and fighting until that thought creeps in your head what if I just give in to the waves? What if I quit fighting? Does it really matter anyway?

I happen to believe in my soul that it does matter, but it doesn't feel like it matters at all right now. I feel like we are spinning our wheels and I am tired of working so hard and getting nowhere.

So here I am with a few requests for you. If you pray, I would greatly appreciate you praying for these specific issues:

His doc is changing up his medicine/supplements. We have a meeting at school in 2 weeks with teacher and therapists to make goals for the next 12 months. I think he may need a behavioral assessment, more occupational therapy, possibly A.B.A therapy, and maybe an additional day in school. We also see a chiropractor who does (craniosacral therapy as well) in 2 weeks. In short, we are doing all we know to do. Please pray for wisdom for us, Dr. Bernui, Dr. Sunshine, Dr. Rhea, Kyan's therapists & teachers. And pray for healing of his little body. We need divine intervention.

Health and immunity for Braylen, Kyan & Kynsie
Our kids are immuno-compromised, so every little sniffle makes me very afraid. With all of this nasty flu going around, they are considered high risk. Ironically, vaccines played a part in the trashing of their immune systems, so vaccinating for anything else is out of the question. (I happen to believe that vaccines are not all that effective anyway--but another story for another day) Please pray for their health & resiliency. I believe that God is bigger than any flu or any illness, and He made our immune systems to fight illness and disease. We are meant to get sick and have a natural immune response. Please pray that their bodies fight properly and hard. We are doing our part to keep them healthy with supplements, rest, hand washing & a healthy diet. Please also pray for peace for me as we navigate this cold & flu season. (Kyan and Braylen are both fighting colds presently)
Please pray for our babysitting situation.
Barbara has been our go-to person in times of emergency for almost 4 years, and those days are over. She has a family member that she is caring for, so I am without backup. This has all happened within the last 2 days, so to say I am overwhelmed is an understatement. My parents do not live here, so they can not help. I am really up a creek here. I guess I should be grateful that I have had someone to help in times of crisis this far, but this change has come rapidly, and I don't know how we will find someone trustworthy who can tolerate and hopefully love our kids--much less on short notice. I worry about someone putting them in the car and driving away, never to be seen again. While you are praying, please pray that I can have some peace about letting a new person into our lives.
Please Pray for my Business and my ability to handle it
The business itself is thriving. For that I am grateful. Still I have a hard time managing it. Working for myself means more work, not less than working for someone else. As an organizationally challenged person, I find it hard to keep up with all of the orders; inventory for the brick and mortar store and the online store; ordering new products/clearancing slow-movers; projecting sales; responding to customer calls & emails; paying bills, payroll, & taxes, etc. It's mentally VERY tiring. Then I have to actually 'work' as in man the store and make sales and teach classes. All of this is difficult to do with everything going well. When you add sick children to the mix, it gets harder. Well, now that my sitter is out of the picture for sick days, we are in cold/flu season, and the store is busy enough that I can't close for illness it gets trickier. Plus, we can't afford for the store to be closed. Also-Jessica, my employee has a toddler. And she sometimes has sick days as well. When she is sick, I have to go in, and find a place for my kiddos. My kids can come to my store, but their behavior makes it difficult to have them there for any length of time. They want my full attention and sometimes misbehave--very loudly. Customers are generally patient, but it is very frazzling for me, especially when Kyan screams at or tries to hit a customer's child. Not great for business or my sanity.
Please Pray for My House
I know it seems like an odd request, but my house is cleaner and neater than before, yet still not organized. There is a long way to go, and I struggle even more with this when I am stressed and tired. If I could just let it go, that might be OK, but the house clutter really bothers and stresses me out, so it is this vicious cycle. I need some help. I am not sure what form that help will take, but I need help. Please pray that I can find it.
Peace of Mind, Wisdom, & Faith
Above all else, I desperately need some peace. I know that God promises us peace, but I have not experienced that peace at all lately. I also pray for wisdom as I try to navigate all of this madness. I feel so under equipped, but it doesn't really matter because I am it--the Mom. No one is stepping into my place here, so I want to know that I am doing my very best for our children. Also I need a heaping serving of Faith. Faith that it will get better. Faith that I am equipped and enough for the job. Faith that it is going to be OK. Faith that God is in control & does want what is best for us.
Thank you in advance for your prayers & support. I appreciate it.


Kate said...

I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers to you Sunny. I'll help in any way I can...I'd love to help you organize if you'd let me-really I would! Thinking about you and hoping you find some peace very very soon.-Kate

Liz said...

You have my prayers. Any chance you could return the favor and send me a few too? I pretty much need the same ones. :)

You mentioned ABA so I wanted to through out an option for you. Do you have any VBA programs in your area? One of my boys just started a VBA program ( called Train In. He is only in his second week but already I see progress. I know that they have a program for kids that are out of state too. I don't know the details but just thought I would share that with you.

All About the Bailey's said...

The fact that you can do ALL of this makes you one strong person. I will remember you in prayer because I pray the same prayer for myself. Keep your chin up and move forward, that's what we all have to do, but it is normal and ok to break down often especially in our situation...

Liz said...

Sorry about my spelling error (throw not through)! Sleep deprivation! :)