That about sums it up for me. I'm weird. Abnormal. A freak. An oddball. You get the picture. I should tell you that my parents are pretty mainstream. I grew up in a mainstream, by most accounts "normal" home. So my parents aren't to blame for my weirdness.
Those of you who've known me for years are probably wondering why I am just figuring this out about myself. I don't really have an excuse for the delay. I do have a reason for this announcement.
As the fall approaches, far too rapidly by the way (please do not put school supplies up with 4th of July stuff!) I am beginning to freak out. As I mentioned a few months ago, they are supposed to by in school 4 & 5 days per week. I am NOT excited about this at all. :(
I am fine with the teachers at the current school. We have been so blessed in that regard. In fact, I am encouraged because church nursery, and gym nursery, and Braylen's school have all had wonderful teachers that love my children. So the teachers are not the issue. The problem I am having is that I don't get to be with them. I didn't fight so hard to have them only to hand them over to someone else for 7 hrs a day, 5 days a week. This fall the hours will be shorter, so I will survive, but the future still tugs at my heart.
For elementary school, I worry about the influences and pressures on little children. I know we can't and shouldn't keep them in a bubble, but at the same time, I think school makes some grow up very fast. My kids seem particularly sensitive, and that concerns me. I worry about all of the homework....way more than we had as children. I worry about the lack of recess and free play, and just freedom to be a kid, that I enjoyed growing up. I worry about the fast pace. We stay busy, but its on our terms. No one dictates where we will be and when, and sometimes we just hang out at home and breathe. I worry about the demands being placed on today's teachers with test scores and pressure to perform, larger classes, smaller classrooms, and budget crises. How can the best of teachers thrive under the weight of that pressure? I am concerned that my kids will get swallowed up in that setting.
I worry about the grown up influences of celebrities, music, etc that I didn't personally experience as a child. This newfound American obsession is frightening. I worry about the junk food. I worry that we might get a 'bad' teacher and the fact that we have no control over that, and my child could be forced to endure the unpleasantness of this for an entire year. I have seen my friends with special needs kids fight wars with the school system just to get their child treated fairly *by teachers/school*. I don't look forward to that because once you get "the victory" you're left on the dark side of the war you just fought, and all of the ickiness that comes with it. I worry about bullies, and children wielding knives and guns. I worry about kids selling their ritalin. I worry about little children getting involved sexually before they even know what that all means. I am a mom, so I worry.
And here's where the weirdo part comes in. The closer the time comes for Kindergarten (still over a year from now) the more I want to Homeschool. Selling the store makes me want to do that even more. as I look intothe future and the possibility/liklihood of a move, I wantmore and more to teach our kids myself. I have done some preliminary research and am continuing to read all that I can. So far I am encouraged. There is a lot more to read, and there are so many things that will have to come together, like a job for Brandon that will allow this to be feasible financially. I am praying and trusting that if this is indeed the best option for the kids, God will work the rest out. For now I read, pray and wait.
I should mention that one of my biggest concerns with homeschooling was Kyan. He has been the big question mark all along. He may still be the linch pin in all of this, but for today, he seems to have rounded a VERY big corner behaviorally. We keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, but he has been so "with us" lately. Well behaved, barring some typical 4 yr old behaviors. He has been incredibly verbal and just so "There". I can't describe it, but everyone is noticing. My mom's best friend had all of us over for 4 days in a row over the July 4th holiday, and she said "i'm sorry Sunny, but I just don't see it. I've taight kids with Autism, and I don't see it in your kids at all". Her sister-in-law who teaches 4 year old preschool came over for one afternoon, and after an hour or so, she looked at DiAnn (mom's friend) and said "which one of these kids is supposed to have Autism?" She too has taught kids with Autism and couldn't tell who had it among my3, so that is a good sign. He's been so much fun to be with, which is a beautiful change. I know he could relapse tomorrow, but this transition looks a lot like the one we saw last fall in Kynsie. It was like all of the pieces began to come together for her and she took off from there. It is my hope that it is Kyan's turn. Time will tell.
Obviously, there is a LOT still up in the air but this is where I am. Brandon and I talked about I last night and I was very surprised (which I shouldn't be) to hear how supportive he is of the possibility of homeschooling. *He's such a good daddy and hubby.* All of this talking with him led to my realization that I am indeed a weirdo. I can't do anything just 'normal'. No status quo here. The problem is that I am not different just for the sake of it. It would be WAY easier to be like everyone else. I'm just not. I do what I do because I believe in it. That's the hard part. If it was just a contrary streak, one would I hope I would have outgrown it by now. It's not, and that's the issue. I just march to the beat of a different drummer I suppose. The other drummer just sounds weird to me. I'm a square peg in a world of round holes. Perhaps its best if I just embrace it. What choice do I have? Obviously I was made this way for a reason.
So that's it for now. Just another piece of our little puzzle. Will keep you posted on what I find.